i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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