why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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