Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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