I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
