Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
