omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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