turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
