There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
