i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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