i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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