you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
