I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
