If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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