People in love make me want to vomit
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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