I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
His nipple licking is glorious
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