He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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