Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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