the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
