We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
