That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
