Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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