I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think my tv is drunk
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
