I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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