erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
