i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
