I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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