Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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