If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
