Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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