her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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