How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
