then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
