shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
