he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
