guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
