The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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