My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
foreskin is a definite game changer
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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