You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
