laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
