community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
