all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
