the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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