So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
