Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
