Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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