it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
my poor anus
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
