the condom got lost in my hair
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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