Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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