saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
