My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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