And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
