hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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