it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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