i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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